The Chicharrones Diet

On America’s Got Talent, Brenda Lane presented her spectacular recipes for guaranteed weight loss. The voters hated her and she made it only through the first round. She went instead to the Biggest Loser and made it through rounds two, three, and four, with much hooting and ridicule for her recipes and her habit of wearing spandex too tight. She sweated on her meringues and divinity, she fried her pork rinds in lard and tears, the audience laughed and laughed but kept her in the race until round four, when with a flourish she threw off her towel at weighing in and ran off the set and onto the studio parking lot, where she hailed a cab in the altogether. The cabbie drove to a thrift store and brought her a shift of stretch terry cloth and handing it to her said for crying out loud lady, put something on. She wiped her eyes on the terry and thanked him, and he took her home. At the door, she said wait, just a minute, and came back a moment later with a bag of chicharrones and his cab fare, and thus a great love was born.

A hatred of fat is funny in a country of fat people, but less funny in a country of people who worship thinness for its own sake. Brenda and Guy went through every recipe of Brenda’s together and watched the weight come off.

“It’s a good joke, don’t you think,” said Guy, licking country gravy off of his bowl with a chunk of fried turkey. He handed Brenda a whole dill pickle to dunk in the batter.

“Sure do, honey,” said Brenda. “You want to hear another one?”

“Shoot, cupcake,” said Guy.

“How many fatties does it take to change a light bulb?”

“I don’t know, how many?”

“Only one, but it has to want to change.”

They laughed and went out for donuts, a couple of people who were just fat enough on love and chicharrones.


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January 2011
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