The Wingnut Killer


Wolf Creek Pass

If I am remembering this correctly – and I think I am – we were driving down a dangerous road, in the early evening. He was trying to pay me a compliment, I think. One of those “you know, I’ll hand it to you people” kind of compliments that tastes like backwash. Something about our capacity for wild and crazy sex. This from a man whose name is practically synonymous with loofahs and Viagra. With sort of an extra icky note about how I’d look in an apricot peignoir – a peignoir, for crying out loud.

I was just waiting for the old standard “you just haven’t had the right one yet” when all of a sudden the road in front of us exploded – lightning, quasars, comets, IEDs, what? – and then ratatatatatted into a series of snappy little firecrackers. I saw the backs of three tow-headed boys running off into the woods just as the car started to tilt off the side of the hill.

“Ho shit,” I hollered. I grabbed my door to open and jump, but saw that Sleazo the clown was frozen mid-leer like he couldn’t let go of his loofah long enough to save his own sorry ass. So I reached over across him, popped the door open and shoved the sonofabitch out. Then I jumped.

Lucky me, I landed soft side down on loose dirt, rolled a ways and then stopped, barely out of breath.  My lounge lizard friend landed head first on a rock, bounced onto the falling car and went up in flames when they landed together in the ravine.

And that’s how I became a murderer.    

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