Mayhem, Texas


medusa Zola Gorgon, a woman with a single eyebrow, was arrested in the aftermath of the melee brought about by the rising waters in the gulf coast town of Mayhem, Texas, it was reported by the San Antonio Chronicler last week. In the Sang Froid neighborhood, a gated community with moats and alligators, the drawbridges were raised and the surrounding waters coated in oil and set on fire to seal out the riffraff and keep the Sangfroidians safely inside amongst their own. Helen deTroi, mayor of this tiny bedroom suburb 20 miles outside of Corpus Christi, spoke out strongly against the ensuing chaos.

“This is a disgrace, an absolute disgrace,” she said before turning off the cameras and sending the reporters home, settling into her double-wide recliner sofa with the cooler in the arms, popping open a cold one and turning on her favorite episode of “Lost in Space.” “Danger, danger, Will Robinson,” she said and woggled her arms robot-like, spilling beer in her bowl of cinnamon dots.

“Heckuva job, heckuva job” shrieked her parrot, Sigmund Fraud, who had once belonged to a pirate. But a pirate’s life is short, and a parrot’s is long, and his pirate – Jimmie Bambino from Jupiter Creek, Mississippi – fell blind drunk from the mizzenmast onto the poop deck. He didn’t die right away but was swept away on a sea of therapies and plastic surgeons and disability parking stickers.

pirate

Sigmund Fraud was abandoned with nothing but repressed and distorted memories of his peg-legged friend and master. A dozen pet stores and two or three pet psychics later, Sigmund found his way to Helen deTroi. He stayed with her until he was a very old bird, a miracle of an old bird, singing the songs of Jimmy Bambino’s childhood, reciting the Boy Scout Pledge. “I promise to be clean, honest and brave, to do my duty to God and my country,” followed by the filthy invectives of pirate life and fortune tellers, gypsy prophecies – “You will meet a beautiful dark-haired woman,” he whispered to Mayor deTroi on the day of the storm. “She will break your heart.” Helen sighed and popped another Pabst.

The reporter from the San Antonio Chronicler was a height-weight proportionate single girlie-man, a pear-shaped fellow with a likeable manner. He made himself popular in Mayhem Texas with his not quite threatening feminine masculinity, his not quite sentimental masculine femininity.

Billie Gimbel was a journalist by trade, a gardener by inclination. He grew flowers and herbs – forget-me-nots, baby’s breath, geranium, mint, basil and sage. He worked in his mama’s candy store on weekends so she could go gamble at the Sky’s the Limit Casino and Heavenly Redemption Center – Save Your Soul and Win Big Cash Prizes Every Sunday Morning. He drove his mama to the Sky’s the Limit every Saturday afternoon and picked her up 24 hours later, come hell or high water.

Until the weekend when the waters rose and all the big jackpot winners in Sang Froid sat high and dry with their mint juleps on the safe side of that fiery moat. His mama met her maker while the parrot sang Kumbaya and the mayor slept in her Lay-Z-Boy Lady Barcalounger. That same day, Billy Gimbal pissed off his first elected official. He had an unexpected flair for revenge, a fact that Mayor deTroi came to know far too well.

To be continued . . .

helen of troy

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4 Responses to “Mayhem, Texas”


  1. 1 Lollyloo January 12, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    To be continued? So continue already! I wanna know what happens.

  2. 2 Teresa January 13, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    Good idea. Stay tuned …


  1. 1 Excitement! « Trees for the forest Trackback on November 2, 2007 at 6:23 pm
  2. 2 National Novel Writing Month « Cuentos Trackback on November 4, 2007 at 12:17 pm

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