Love song of Vanessa La Ganza

Let it be stated here for the record that this is the true life story of Vanessa La Ganza, first wife of Zorro, sweet as apple butter but possessed of overwhelming animal passions, a high need for public drama, and inconsistent political activism.

Mrs. La Ganza rode east one year after the definitive fence-jumping of Zorro into lust and related depravities at the hands of Ling Shr, Karaoke master, secret operative of the Gayatollah Singalong and founder of the pride day parade in the coastal baja town of Las Alegrias. Her world fell apart at that parade, as one by one the Gayatollah singers drove by, clowns stuffed cheek and jowl into painted pink Hummers with pro-life log cabin compassionate conservative contortionists, Dame Ednas, Ru Pauls, snack fairies, fire eaters, and pretty young drag kings.

At the purple panty package contest as the sun set, Vanessa La Ganza ate a corndog with mustard and watched, mesmerized, as her masked superhero husband descended into happy madness, beautiful firemen, smooth-skinned cowboys in chaps dragging him down, down into that disco inferno, smiling. 

If he ever came up for air that day, Vanessa La Ganza never knew it – at that last glance, that last glottal stop in the back of her throat – goodbye, mi amor – something happened.  Aah. The world caught itself like a sleeve on a branch, and under that tree was Gloria. In excelsis.

“Mother Teresa,” Vanessa La Ganza said, looking at Gloria. Gloria. G-L-O-R-I-A.

venus“Shewie” said Vanessa.

“Hc-up?” said Gloria, looking up into Vanessa’s face. Breath like roses, and Vanessa was a superhero widow for no more than 16 minutes.

What a whirlwind courtship I could describe in this the true story of the life of Vanessa La Ganza, first wife of Zorro.

Zorro eventually re-emerged from the underworld with his new paramour, Captain Underpants, King of the Underworld. Together, they set fashion standards on their ears, on their asses and elbows, and they became a fashion merchandising conglomerate, driving the taste and retail choices of America with both skill and courtesy. A different scent, a different bit of silk for every day of the year, every hour of the day, an irresistible jingle on the lips of every hip and hipper aging second generation hippie and their baggy hip-hop kids.

Aaah, yes. While Zorro and Captain Underpants rocked the world one pair of delicates at a time, Vanessa La Ganza and Gloria (won’t you take my name, mi corrazon? she whispers — I won’t be Gloria La Ganza, she whispers back) invented new juices – passion juice, juji juice, frog juice, marrow juice, lullaby juice, juice for tender moments, juice to clear traffic on heavy freeways, jovial juice, and their last ultimate favorite – Olympian Juice© – elevated, unpredictable, almost unattainable. Almost.

Vanessa called Zorro, said “Listen honey, can I use your lawyer? That nice stag lawyer of yours? No, no, nothing like that – I just need a business plan. For Olympian Juice©. Yeah. Uh-huh. Ok, thanks then. Kisses to Captain Underpants. Bye-bye.”

So the nice stag attorney drew up a legal document, described a business proposition, codified and polished all the pretty little details, and voila – Vanessa and Gloria, those beautiful women – owned their own secret formula.

What’s in it? Let’s see – you would recognize it if you tasted it, basted with it, bathed in it, or rubbed it on your wrists, together. There is, I am certain, some marmalade, a bit of bully, a wraparound skirt, a cool breeze, a box of tide going out from the shores of Sri Lanka, a hint of mango, and a hitlist compiled by the the Gayatollah Singers. It is a long list, well travelled and well played.

Back in the early days of Vanessa and Zorro, before Gloria, the Underworld, the little goslings all following in a straight little row (we will call them Madeleine, she said – little Madeleine’s all in a row), they lay in a hammock under a bright sky and over a clear dark sea. And they named the stars, one by one – Gloria, Excelsior, Magdalena, and that one over there is King of the Underworld – and they fell asleep smiling that night, and they woke up new and light, together again until the stars came to earth to find them.



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June 2006
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